Harry Potter and the Instant Message
by licoricelaces
Summary: Wizards discover the internet, and craziness ensues. Deaths are not applicable, as some people who have died are alive, while others are still dead. This doesn't really make any chronological sense.. Anyone in the books could appear woohoo!
1. Chapter 1

**BEFOREWORD:** Soo… the wizarding world has discovered instant messaging… Let's see what happens! (plus, there are no real rules here, some people are alive, while others are not… and some of the people who are alive perhaps shouldn't be at this point… It is not clear, even to myself, when these chats are taking place… though all the characters now have knowledge of all the events in the books, and yeah…) Well, anyway, in this strange universe, wizards discovered the internet by the addition of the Modern Muggle Technology Studies class at hogwarts, and the spread of the internet quickly appealing to the larger part of the Harry Potter universe. Oh, and you'll just have to guess who everyone is I'm afraid.. (though it's quite obvious) Well, I hope you enjoy it ^-^

**Chat Room: Harry Potter and the Instant Message**

**Spiderhater345:** soo… herminee… want to go talk bout harry?

**House_elf_luver78:** Ron! You mispelled my name, again!

**Spiderhater345:** sry hrmyny, (pst…. Harry… how do u spell her name?)

**House_elf_luver78:** I can see what you wrote Ron. This is a chat room.

**Spiderhater345:** oh… (hurry up harry, I think she knows !)

**Hcnumba7:** of course she does ron… (it's hermionee)

**House_elf_lover78:** Harry! You got it wrong too!

**Hcnumba7:** sry hermionee, if u wanted people to be able to spell your name, you shoulda made it easier to spell. like… jill r sumthin

**Spiderhater345:** hey that's a good one! Much easier too, let's call er that!

**House_elf_lover78:** BUT THAT"S NOT MY NAME!

**Hcnumba7:** so? This is wayyy easier

**Spiderhater345: **sooo…. Jill….

**House_elf_lover78:** SHUT UP.

entering: **darklordx7**

**House_elf_lover78:** great.

**Darklordx7:** hi guys!

**Hcnumba7:** YOU KILLED MY PARENTS! AHHH! I WANT YOU TO DIE! AND I WANT TO BE THE ONE TO DO IT!

**Darklordx7:** oh dear, still haven't let that one go, have you harry? Come on, it's all water under the bridge now, let it go..

**Hcnumba7:** NO

**Darklordx7:** sigh, I was hoping we could start anew, and become friends… T-T

**Hcnumba7:** WHY WOULD I BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? YOU'RE THE MOST EVIL WIZARD THAT EVER WAS! YOU KILLED MY MUM AND DAD, AND YOUR FRIENDS KILLED BASICALLY EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER CARED ABOUT! I WILL NEVER BE YOUR FRIEND! I'LL NEVER STOP WISHING YOU DEAD! EVER! EVER!

**Spiderhater345:** hey, harry, don't you care bout jill an' me? We're not dead…

**House_elf_lover78:** Yeah! We're still here, don't forget Harry, and Ron.. DON"T CALL ME JILL!

**Darklordx7:** wait, who's jill?

**Spiderhater345:** hermyeohney! (nobody can spell her name write)

**Darklordx7:** that is HILARIOUS! XD

**Hcnumba7:** STOP BEFRIENDING THE ENEMY RON!

**Spiderhater345:** aww.. but he gets my sense of humour…

**Darklordx7:** hey ron, tell that one about the time jill turned into a cat again!

**Spiderhater345:** it was a stormy day, an we were making polyjuice potion in the bathroom, and…

**House_elf_lover78**: HAVE YOU BEEN TELLING STORIES ABOUT ME TO VOLDEMORT?

**Spiderhater345:** wait… you're he-who-must-not-be-named..?

**Darklordx7:** um.. well.. yeah…

**Spiderhater345:** cool! Hey, how do you breath with no nose?

**Hcnumba7:** HE"S VOLDEMORT! STOP TALKING TO HIM!

**Spiderhater345:** don't be a bad sport mate…

**Hcnumba7:**AHHHHHH!

leaving: **hcnumba7**

**darklordx7:** what is HIS problem? Jeez…

**spiderhater345:** dunno….

entering:** dudders56**

**darklordx7:** hey, who is that?

**Spiderhater345:** uh…. I dunno…

**House_elf_lover78:** Neither of you two know? Seriously? Sigh… It's Harry's cousin,

Dudley…

**Spiderhater345: **oh yeah! That one with the pig tail! Haha

**Darklordx7: **he has a _pig tail_? How did that happen? XDXDXD

**Spiderhater345:** Hagrid did it.

**Darklordx7:** XDXDXDXD

**Dudders56:** how do you guys know about that?

**Spiderhater345:** uh, duh.. we're harry's friends…

**Dudders56:** harry has friends?

**Darklordx7:** XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXD

**House_elf_lover78:** Of course he does Dudley.

**Dudders56:** hey, are you guys weirdos like harry?

**Spiderhater345:** yeah oooo we can do ~~maaagic~~! Watch out dudders (haha) or we'll, uh… turn you into a newt! Hahahahaha!

**Darklordx7:** wait… he's a muggle?

**Spiderhater345: **yeah! He's defenseless!

leaving: **darklordx7**

**Spiderhater345:** where'd he go?

**House_elf_lover78:** sigh…

**Dudders56:** hey, do you guys know where the bathroom is?

**Spiderhater345:** down the hall, and to the left.

**Dudders56:** thnx

leaving: **dudders56**

**spiderhater345**: hahahahahah!

**House_elf_lover78:** You are despicable Ron.

**Spiderhater345:** !

entering: **not_a_squib**

entering: **bathilda_bagshot278**

**Spiderhater345: **oh no! it's filch, quick, under the invisibility cloak!

**House_elf_lover78: ***face palm*

**Not_a_squib: **you two are in big trouble! Staying up past curfew!

**Bathilda_bagshot278:** It's ok Argus, they're with me.

**Not_a_squib:** grumble grumble… fine.

leaving:** not_a_squib**

**bathilda_bagshot278:** Well, that was surprisingly easy…

**house_elf_lover78:** Who are you?

**Bathilda_bagshot278:** Um… I'm Bathilda Bagshot… duh…

**House_elf_lover78:** No you're not. She's dead…

**Bathilda_bagshot278:** Clever girl… hisss hissssy hissssing hisssssssssssss….

**House_elf_lover78:** Nagini…?

**Bathilda_bagshot278:** yessssssssss hissssssss…

**Spiderhater345: **OH NO! an online predator!

leaving: **spiderhater345**

**house_elf_lover78: **Nagini.. what are you doing on here?

**Bathilda_bagshot278:** I'm sssssssuppossssssed to be mapquessssssting R.A.B'ssssss housssssse. But I don't know what hisssssss real name issssssssss, can you help me?

**House_elf_lover78: **Um… what are you guys going to do to him..?

**Bathilda_bagshot278:** Uh…. Nothing…..

**House_elf_lover78:** If you won't tell me what you're going to do, then I won't tell you.

**Bathilda_bagshot278:** ssssssigh… fine, but do you promisssssse not to tell anyone?

**House_elf_lover78:** Is it very bad..?

**Bathilda_bagshot278: **no…..

**House_elf_lover78:** Well… okay..

**Bathilda_bagshot278:** We're going to mandrake hisssssss housssssse..

**House_elf_lover78:** Oh… um…. Well….

**Bathilda_bagshot278:** You ssssaid you wouldn't tell a ssssssssoul!

**House_elf_lover78:** Yeah.. don't worry, I won't…

**Bathilda_bagshot278:** Great! Sssssso, what'ssssssss hissssssss name?

**House_elf_lover278:** Regulus Arcturus Black.

**Bathilda_bagshot278:** thankssssssssssssss

**Bathilda_bagshot278:** jill

**House_elf_lover78:** Wait, how do _you_ know that?

leaving: **bathilda_bagshot278**

**House_elf_lover78:** Drat.

**AFTERWORD:** Thanks for reading ^-^ Do not fear, there will be even more random appearances in the following conversation, and hopefully someone will be able to spell Hermione's name correctly… sigh..


	2. Dazed and Confunded

**BEFOREWORD: **Um, here's another instant message session, this takes place a few days after the last one I guess, and has new people! (I'm pretty sure they're all different from last time) I think they're all pretty obvious… again…. I don't think this one turned out as funny as the last one.. probably the mixture of these particular personalities or something, but it's still pretty funny I think ^-^ (I hope) and…. It's 4:42 am… (:O

**Chat Room: Dazed and Confunded**

**I_heart_regulus_not_sirius:** I SAID NO.

**I_luv_harry _potter:** PLEASEEEEEEE

**I_heart_regulus_not_sirius**: no, i found it, I'm keeping it.

**I_luv_harry_potter:** but you can't even play it! and we're sooo bored in the

hogwarts kitchen!

**I_heart_regulus_not_sirius:** I don't care, it's my monopoly, and I'm keeping it. I like to play with the pieces.

**I_luv_harry_potter:** that's stupid

**I_heart_regulus_not_sirius:** not as stupid as you jinxing a bludger to attack harry

**I_luv_harry_potter:** I know… T-T bad dobby bad dobby bad dobby bad dobby bad dobby bad dobby!

Entering: **blackdog31**

**I_heart_regulus_not_sirius**: great

**Blackdog31:** hey kreature, go make me a sandwich

**I_heart_regulus_not_sirius:** filthy muggle lover

Exiting: **i_heart_regulus_not_sirius**

**Blackdog31:** hi dobby

**I_luv_harry_potter: **bad dobby bad dobby bad dobby bad dobby!

**Blackdog31:** okay..?

**I_luv_harry_potter:** bad dobby bad dobby bad dobby!

Exiting: **i_luv_harry_potter**

**Blackdog31:** …wut?

Entering: **thedarklordismylover**

**Blackdog31:** how's the death eating going?

**Thedarklordismylover:** bad, but better since I killed you!

**Blackdog31:** jerk.

**Thedarklordismylover:** nice comeback

Entering: **gotcha_voldy334**

**Blackdog31:** hey, it's a family reunion!

**Gotcha_voldy334:** is b here?

**Blackdog31:** yeah

**Gotcha_voldy334:** ha! Guess what b? I indirectly and unknowingly helped harry

kill a piece of voldemort!

**Gotcha_voldy334:** :D

**Thedarklordismylover:** I regret that I was not the one to kill you

**Blackdog31:** ouch

**Gotcha_voldy334:** you're just sore because voldy doesn't really love anyone or anything

**Thedarklordismylover:** he does! He loves me! I know it!

**Blackdog31:** did he ever tell you? 

**thedarklordismylover:** not directly… but he does!

**Blackdog31:** has he ever favoured you above his other followers?

**Thedarklordismylover:** well… he likes me more than lucious..

**Gotcha_voldy334:** impressive

**Thedarklordismylover:** :P

**Blackdog31:** did he ever indicate in any way that you mean anything to him?

**Thedarklordismylover:** yes! He.. um… didn't kill me…

**Gotcha_voldy334: **wow.. when's the wedding?

**Blackdog31:** do I get to be a bridesmaid?

Exiting: **thedarklordismylover**

**Gotcha_voldy334:** hahahahaha

**Blackdog31:** hahahaha

Entering: **kittiesssss**

**Blackdog31:** uuggghhhh…

**Gotcha_voldy334:** wait, who's kittiesssss?

**Kittiesssss: **Hm. It seems they let anyone on this chatting site these days.

**Blackdog31:** go away, no stupid people allowed.

**Kittiesssss:** That is no way to talk to your superiors. Especially when your superiors are connected to very influential ministy wizards, command wall kitties, and possess your dead friend's eye ball.

**Blackdog31: **yeah… that's just gross

**Gotcha_voldy334:** WHO ARE YOU?

**Kittiesssss:** You're slow, aren't you?

**Blackdog31:** come on man, order of the pheonix, deathly hallows, ring any bells?

**Gotcha_voldy334:** what?

**Kittiesssss: **He obviously doesn't know because he died a long time before that.

**Blackdog31:** oh yeah..

**Gotcha_voldy334:** yep. So, uh, who are you?

Entering: **wizardsarefake**

**Gotcha_voldy334:** what the…?

**Blackdog31:** yeah, I don't' even know who that is..

**Wizardsarefake:** I'VE GOT A THING OR TWO TO SAY TO YOU FREAKS

**Kittiesssss:** There's no need to shout. Now, what is it that you want?

**Blackdog31: **yeah, and what's up with your screen name?

**Wizardsarefake:** THERE'S NOTHING "UP" WITH IT, IT'S TRUE! AND I WANT TO TALK TO YOU GUYS ABOUT MESSIN WITH MY BOY THE OTHER DAY!

**Gotcha_voldy334:** uh… what are you talking about?

**Wizardsarefake:** I KNOW YOU FREAKS DID SOME OF YOUR FREAKY TRICKS ON MY BOY! YOU TRICKED HIM INTO DEFECATING ALL OVER THE SOFA IN THE LIVING ROOM! I KNOW YOU DID!

**Kittiesssss:** Well, I don't know about those other people, but I'm not a freak, and I certainly did no such thing to no such boy.

**Blackdog31:** yeah, I didn't do that, but I sure love who ever did

**Gotcha_voldy334:** I still have no idea who you or kittiesssss are…

**Wizardsarefake:** STOP MESSIN WITH MY BOY! OR I'LL GET A RESTRAINING ORDER ON YOU! I'M SERIOUS! CUT IT OUT! THIS INSTANT!

Exiting: **wizardsarefake**

**Blackdog31:** hahahahahaha a "restraining order"? hahahahaha ooooo I'm so scared!

**Kittiesssss:** Well, this is very concerning news about this poor boy. I'm going to look into it right away… or make some people less important than me look into it right away…

Exiting: **kittiesssss**

**Bkacldog31:** finally

Entering: **pleasantplimpies25**

**Pleasantplimpies25:** hello all

**Blackdog31:** yay! luna's here!

**Gotcha_voldy334:** wait, who's luna?

**Blackdog31:** so, what's the latest news on the crumpet's horny snorkling back thing?

**Pleasantplimpies25: **oh, no news on the crumple-horned snorkack, but there have been increased nargle sightings in east scotland these days… I suppose they're mating or something.

**Blackdog31:** what are those?

**Pleasantplimpies25: **oh, nargles? Well they're just these little creatures. They're not harmful really, they just lurk near mistletoe and cause mischeif. They're really quite enjoyable.

**Blackdog31: **cool. I want one!

**Pleasantplimpies25: **well, they're nearly impossible to see, so catching them is rather difficult.

**Blackdog31:** aw man…

**Blackdog31:** wait, what time is it?

**Pleasantplimpies25:** I believe it's four past 3:25 in the morning

**Blackdog31: **I gotta go, that late night animgaus sitcom comes on in like a minute. Bye!

**Pleasantplimpies25:** farewell, I should go too.. my beeteous pantalilies need to be watered very frequently

Exiting: **blackdog31**

Exiting: **pleasantplimpies25**

**Gotcha_vodly334:** hello?

Entering: **who_am_i?**

**Who_am_i?:** hello? Is anyone there?

**Gotcha_voldy334:** hey

**Who_am_i?:** do you know who I am?

**Gotcha_voldy334:** NO!

**Who_am_i?:** me neither

Exiting: **who_am_i?**

**Gotcha_voldy334:** AAAAAAHHHHHH!

**AFTERWORD: **I hope you liked it ^-^ um… and I hope you caught the 2 led zeppelin references… and uh… I think I'm gonna go to bed right now. And post this later. Yep.


End file.
